Word Vomit

Best Friends

Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, because it would be too painful to watch you get hurt.

Thank you to all of my friends, but most importantly Mallory, Jenna, Nikki, Mandy, and Zach. You all have meant so much to me, especially in the last year. There are countless ways that you have all positively affected my life, even if a lot of times you didn’t even realize it. I appreciate your support and friendship more than I can express! I love you all!

I spent the other day reading all of my archived blogs. It is so funny how history seems to repeat itself, or something like that. It seems not much has changed, the story is the same, the players are different. So is this life?

Is this what I have to look forward to? A constant circulation of all the same bull shit? Well, I hope not.

It took 20 minutes into the new year, 20 minutes into my year 28 to realize that it’s not what I want. As I took time out to visit the backseat of the car, to shed a few tears, to ask myself, “What are you doing with your life?”

Not doing any of the things that you hoped you would do, doing all the things you think you’re supposed to do, consciously making bad decisions so you can feel like you’re in control of something.

Wearing a smile because you don’t want to make people feel awkward. Wearing a smile because you want to be strong. Wearing a smile because you want to be happy.

A breakdown was inevitable. Little did I know, that my breakdown would spiral out of control and that it’s tremors would affect the people that I care most about.

So year 28, now what do I do?

1.) Continue with lifestyle changes from the end of 2011.

2.) Make a plan, create a vision, DO IT!

For the last 5 years, I’ve talked about the same things. I haven’t done anything about changing where I am. I’m safe and I’m miserable.

Don’t get me wrong friends, there have been plenty of highs, plenty of new relationships, plenty of adventures and I cherish this, but I am in dire need of a life makeover. Everything new. I’m really going to try to focus on making things happen, and in turn I’m going to hope that the other things that I want will fall into place. FINGERS CROSSED!

So year 28, what have you in store?

No more repeats, please?

Happy Thursday! I have eight minutes to write this entry before I head out to the gym. So as promised, “He won’t talk to me…” con’t.

My friend and I are still not really on speaking terms. I’m still trying to figure out if this is something directly related to me or if this is more of a personal issue for him. Regardless, I am trying my hardest to take this in stride and still be true to who I am with out lashing out to compensate for my own feelings. I’m still really sad, but have been trying to keep myself busy or just been sleeping. Big problem is that a lot of the stuff I used to do to keep busy involved my friend, so everything feels just a little bit lonelier. I was offered a promise that we would talk about all of this soon, so hopefully there is some resolution in sight. I would really hate for this to be something that I have to think about as one of those things I wish I could do over. I had no idea that this was the kind of fall out that I would be dealing with. If I had known, I might have tried a little harder to suppress what I was feeling, but who are we kidding, I would have been screwed either way. I am lousy at keeping my feelings to myself, it makes me act like a nut case.

All in all, I guess this week has been better than last, so that in itself is a blessing. It’s the last week of the quarter at school, so I have been busy with make-up work and grades. We are working on a yearbook deadline, and I have been a little stressed with that class as well. Also trying to set-up some photography work for a co-worker/friend, which I think it going to turn out to be a good situation in the end.

My nephew Walker seems to be doing pretty well. He gets cuter and cuter by the day and now gets to play dress up. He is still in NICU, but has been getting good reports the last couple of days. Heather and Josh seem to be holding up pretty well too. Heather has a check-up today and everything looks to healing the way it is supposed to after her c-section.

I joined a writing group before Thanksgiving. I haven’t written anything to share with the group, but then we haven’t really gotten together to share anything either. I am hoping to use this platform as a jumping off point though. So far, I’ve gotten positive feedback. This really is therapeutic for me.

Anyways, I am going for now, this took me longer than eight minutes, so until next time – ADIEU

The beginning of 2012…Another year gone, and yet my blog still remains here archived on the world wide web. The only traffic I seem to generate is the spam that leaves me comments, in which email then asks me to moderate. Honestly? Do I just need to give confirmation that I have seen the comment? Does it want me to check to verify that it’s spam? Is my blog crying out for my attention? Yes, that MUST be it, my blog needs attention!

So in an effort to sort through my feelings, I will once again start to post on my blog. Hopefully this will explain a little of the old….same format: me, whining about something, trying to figure something out, or trying to feel clever. And the new? Uh, more frequent postings?

The first week of 2012, otherwise known as, “Let me see how many people I can piss off.” From within the first hour of the new year to the end of the first 24 hours of the new year, seems like I managed to upset a barrage of people that are close to me. The problem? I can’t figure out exactly what I did to put me in this situation, but at this point, I think that one of my two issues has already taken care of itself. One still lingers, however, and is really plaguing me to the point that I am physically ill.

I keep replaying what happened over and over again in my head. Maybe I didn’t listen, I keep thinking that he said it didn’t really have to do with me, but all I keep doing is blaming myself. If I had just kept my thoughts to myself, would I be in this same position? If it’s not about me, why do I keep making it that way? Oh yeah, I forgot, because he won’t talk to me about it.And even if it wasn’t about me, it still affects me. My feelings matter too, I feel like I am being disrespected by not being shown the courtesy of explanation. None of this adds up, and like my usual fashion, I am over analyzing and coming up with a thousand reasons to be mad and a thousand excuses for his behavior and a thousand things I can do to express how much I care, which isn’t even in question…I don’t think…

“He won’t talk to me”… to be continued

In lighter news, my sister has a baby this week. John Walker deButts was born at 2:02 AM Tuesday morning on January 3, 2012. He was a “whopping” 5lbs 14 oz. Even though Walker was born early, he is doing really well and progressing just as he needs to be. I am overjoyed that he is here and understand a little more about love and pride for your family. He truly is a blessing and he’s pretty cute too!

We had Heather’s shower today. It turned out very pretty and we are happy that everyone could be there to celebrate his arrival.

I am exhausted. Welp, it’s nearly midnight and my eyelids are starting to weigh heavy, time to go to bed. Busy week ahead, grades due, people to see, water aerobics to swim, and gym to hit.

I’ll probably spend next post elaborating on this post a little more, trying to focus on moving forward, while remembering what and who is important.

Thank you all for everything!

You Stay Classy!

SO first off I think I try to update this at least once a year, so look forward to that. With that being said, gotta give my shout out to Steve, WUDD UP?!?

Laptop is pissing me off, promise I will come back and update.

The doubt of every unanswered phone call… 07/09/09

Current mood:ashamed

Pins and needles, eggshells, daggers, all the things I feel as my stomach remains tied in knots. Doubt remains for our future in all aspects, but still I remain hopeful, as painful as it may be at times.
We used to tie up the line for hours with whatever may have been, now we’re lucky if we can have a five minute conversation without giving up on each other.
Did we lose the respect in the years that flew by? An eternity gone in the blink of an eye and everything has changed, but still there are parts that seem familiar.
Do we hold onto the past because we are afraid of the unknown, or do we cling to it because it reminds us of the image of ourselves that we knew so well, when we were strong and knew the consequences of our decisions.
These tattered edges of self preservations are weary and I thought I knew it all, but maybe it was an illusion, maybe I knew nothing and I am a victim of my own manipulation.