Word Vomit

Last update: was Saturday, as you can see below this update. I got a late night call, so sleeping was made a lot easier. I spent all day with Jason yesterday, just hanging out. My parents and the rest of my family went to this train day open house at my cousin’s in-law’s house. I’m sure it was really cool, I haven’t ever been, but I have seen most of his collection and it is pretty impressive. I left Jason’s around 6:30pm to go home and get my stuff and say goodbye to my parents. Then I returned back to Jason’s and we went to the library to return my books. I know, we live life on the edge, hehe. We came back and watched family guy and hung out some more. (HAPPY!!!!!!!!!) So we’re planning a trip to Canada for spring break. I’m really excited!!! “WHY?”, you say. Well because I’ve never been, and I think it will be fun. I think Jason, Nathan, Emily, and I are going to go. We’ll stay in Toronto for a few days and check things out. We’ll prolly drink a lot while we are there too. No driving for me, LOL. Only I wonder if my probation carries over to other countries? HAHAHAAHHA!!!! So anyways, that’s what’s going on in my life right now, things seem like they are turning for the better, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, cause I really don’t want to crash hard again! Talk to you all soon. CARPER OUT!!!! (you know, like Seacrest from AI) (and yes, I know, Nathan did the sign off first!)

Everyone is in luck!!!! I didn’t stay in, but by golly, you guys are getting a second update anyways! So it was pretty icey out, but I braved the storm cause I didn’t want to stay in all evening with my fam, cause I had already spent the whole day with my mom. I went out to visuallink and hung out with Kevin for a while while he worked on a website for Dinosaur Land. I don’t think I have ever been there and if I have I was either really really little or still in the womb!!! But anyways so we hung out there and then we rode through the lot at BAM where we caught Anthony doin’ some donuts, ironic, cause we were doin’ the same thing!  We chatted with him briefly then continued our search for food, which I hadn’t mentioned yet. So Kev took me to Wendy’s. I had the best Spicy Chicken sandwich I have ever had there. It was so hot and perfect! Then we went to Wal-Mart and got Kevin some sausages and I quote from him now, “WatchKevinWork: my sausage is good” DANG RIGHT!!! So after that I had to go home cause amidst all the fun, my mom called and asked when I was coming home cause the weather was bad, and to be truthful, I was a little sleepy anyways, and Wendy’s did not make my belly feel well. So I am gonna go to bed soon, but I’m missing my nightly chat. I hope Jason, Ian, and Phil  had a great time at the Bright Eyes concert and the weather wasn’t too bad for them to get around. Ok, I am going to bed now, I hope everyone else had a great weekend!!! Good Night!

So the rest of this week shaped up pretty nicely. I’m at home right now, always nice to be home sometimes. Okay, so that didn’t make any sense. But my kitty is better, he lost so much weight though while he was sick, he’s really boney, and if any of you knew my cat before, you know he was a tub of goo. But I love him endlessly, and I’ll make him a pan of lasagne so he will fatten up again. Wednesday I had a mental breakdown, don’t know why, but I told my teacher that I had only met once previously about my whole life, all the parent stuff and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and the comparisons to my sister, everything in this huge sob story. She recommended that I seek professional help. This has not been completely ruled out. It didn’t help that last week was one of those emotional PMS weeks, sorry about that boys who don’t care about women stuff, lol. But thanks Jason for coming to cheer me up wednesday night, much appreciated. Last night, Friday, was good too. I went to dinner with my family, where I ate too much and then didnt feel well for a while. Then Jason came over and we watched a movie and the endings of some movies, then Kevin called and asked us out to Denny’s. We met him there and hung out for a while. There were a bunch of loud drunks there last night. I haven’t been there in a while where there have been obnoxious drunks. Ok, maybe cause we are usually them, ok, also untrue. We are well behaved, usually, and we always have manners. Then Jason took me home, a very good night I’d say. Tonight, however, HAhaHA! I still don’t have plans. I went to Hagerstown with my momma today, got some new clothes, but now I am home and it’s trying to sleet or snow or something. I don’t know if I’m staying in or going out. It doesn’t matter. So kids, I’m gonna go for now, but if I stay in, there’s a good chance I’ll update again!

Pergatory to my understanding is a time of waiting to go before the judgement of God so that he may decide your fate of heaven or hell. I feel like right now I am deep in Pergatory, not before God, but before a special person in my life. Right now I am just kinda floating around day to day wondering my fate, will it end up good or bad? Choosing between two people is never easy, I understand, but it isn’t easy for the people being chosen between either. Well I don’t know for both, but I know for myself especially. I can’t say that I’m perfect, I can’t say that I’m close, but I can say that I am a good person, who’s made some mistakes along the way and is now an even better person for them. I know that this is a time where judgement is definitely a key factor in making a decision, but I don’t like to be judged. I don’t like feeling like I am walking on pins and needles because one false move and my chances are ruined. I don’t like worrying about what I say being turned around, misconstrued (sp), and used against me. I don’t like my past actions with other people and other relationships to be used to determine how I will be in the future. Those situations didn’t work out, they didn’t work out for reasons, I’d like to think that I’ve learned from those and that whatever mistakes were made in those situations won’t be made again. Maybe the “whatever happens, happens” rule was a good one because it allowed us to just have fun and enjoy each other the way people should, instead of analyzing things in the future that haven’t even happened yet. I’d hate to see a death of something before it was given a proper life. Please be wise and honest with your decisions, because I will be here for a long time, but I won’t wait forever. I’ve waited before, I’ve had situations where I’ve been with other people to kill time until he and I got back together. I’ve let that waiting keep me from pursuing some other interests, and you know what? It took me a long long time to realize that he’s not coming back, 4 years and not until recently that I finally let go. I should have done it a long time ago, but when you believe in someone so much, for so long, it’s hard to let go. For 4 years I had it in the back of my head that one day we’d end back up together, it’s not going to happen and I know that I can’t let that control my life. I just thought, we were both young, we need to see other people so that we’ll know for sure we are right for each other when it happens. That’s what helped me get through him seeing other girls, “One day he’ll come back.” I ended up comparing everyone to him, he was the one on my pedastal. Doing a lot of thinking about things before and what I wanted for my future helped me come to MY decision recently. So many transparent reasons factored into why I couldn’t, that I forgot to pay attention to why I could. And I’m sorry that it took the situation we’re in now to make me realize it. Everyone knows that there is truth in the statement, “You don’t know what you got, ’til it’s gone.” I was trying not to make the mistake of waiting until it was gone, or too late. I want you to be happy more than anything, I really do, and I would love to be able to be the one to make you happy, because it’s unfair for me to be the only one who’s happy when we’re together. Miss you!

Maybe I should wait until late at night to update this thinger! A change is necessary. A weight lifted off me, not so sad anymore. Working things out. O:-)

Sorry my entries have been down in the dumps lately. I’ve gotten some complaints that my blog is sad. For that I apologize, but remind you that it is MY blog, for me to just get things off my chest and get some feedback or something to help me get through stuff. Thank you for reading though, really. I appreciate it a lot. So, first I’d like to say that I’m thinking about Suzanne and wish that she could be home with her family, I love ya Suz, anything you need, I’m here! Then I’d like to say thank you to everyone who made it out friday night, I think the party was a success. I had lots of fun and it’s good to know that we have so many friends. Thank you! The rest of this weekend may have been the best weekend I’ve ever had and the worst. I spent a lot of time with someone very special to me and I loved every minute of being with him, granted I was crying half of the time, I was still glad he was here. He took me to my first Races to April show, it was freaking amazing. Their CD is great, but live is a hundred times greater. I stood right in front of Robin and I couldn’t take my eyes off of the band at all, except for those few glances I stole of Jason watching RTA, I know they mean a lot to him and I’m glad he shared that with me. A lot of things he has done for me, with me and said to me have made such a huge impact on me. Where the void comes in… I had hoped for many more chances to share and become even closer, but right now, I hope only for right now, it doesn’t look that way. Broken, is the way I feel. My eyes are heavy and irritated. When I feel like I can’t cry another tear, there begins a new river down the side of my cheek. But hey, that’s what happens when you put eveything on the line. Maybe all of this would have happened sooner, or maybe if would have all been different, but we’ll never know. None of us like to live with regrets, but I know for me that this has potential to be a big one. A CD full of songs that remind you of me plays over and over in the CD player, only before when I thought of how lucky I was to have someone care so much, to think of me so highly, now I cry when I listen. How could I have been such a fool not to realize sooner what I had in jeopardy? But is it me? Was I so lucky to have been put on that pedastal. There really was no place for me to go but down, I had really hoped though that I wasn’t going to crash clumsily to the floor. A letter I wrote, I meant every word. “Gay for a second,” in the fake flower isle at wal-mart, can’t be replaced. Nothing can be replaced, nor do I want to replace it, I just want to do it again. I’d do it all again, the laughing and the crying, the worrying and the excitement, EVERYTHING, if it meant I had another chance, I’d do anything, if it meant I had another chance. You say there is nothing I can do to change your mind, but I really hope that you think about things and don’t throw away the little time that we shared together, the little time that meant so much to me. And to wrap things up, cause the eyes are welling up again, sorry to those of you readers who haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, thank you for reading, taking the time to care even that much, and leave me some fun comments. Comments are my favorite and make me smile. And if any of you have a few extra hugs laying around, I could really use a big one.

So today is Thursday. I know it’s not the end of the week, but I feel my wrap up is going to come about now. It’s weird how a week at school can feel so long, especially since I have only been here for like 3 days of it. It has been a roller coaster of emotion for me, but I think I have nearly worked my through it. Thanks to everyone who checks up on me when I have sad faces up, I appreciate it a lot and I know I’m a big baby. I finally convinced myself that I can’t dwell on things or events in the past and what I didn’t do and should have done. I really am going to try to focus on the future or the present rather, cause whatever is meant to be will be. Of course I have a preference of how events will go, but that really isn’t up to me. So some of the nights I spend are filled with great happiness, laughing and smiling, being goofy, and enjoying life and other nights are spent wondering how long I’ll have nights like the ones just mentioned. I try not to think about that too much, cause I hope it lasts a long long time. Anywho, I’m pretty content right now, I guess. As things procede slowly, I’m reassured that I am very lucky and that I have great friends. I’m out for now…maybe there will be a new wrap up later.

It seems my whole life has been based around procrastination. I always put off everything until the last minute. I always seem to get away with it for some reason too (knock on wood). However, it didn’t occur to me that I was procrastinating life too. I mean I thought that the things I put off were only like school related or bills or other meaningless tasks. Little did I take into consideration that in procrastinating making decisions in other areas of my life would effect other people too. Little did I think about how much I had to lose. And now that I have, I feel so selfish. I feel so foolish. I feel so alone. I feel so unsure of how things will turn out in the end. I know that no one really knows how anything will turn out, but I do know most people have a pretty good idea. Why couldn’t I have said anything sooner? I’m almost certain I was afraid. I had a conversation once about how I don’t like to answer questions or participate in classes because I’m afraid of being wrong, even though I know the right answer. It’s kind of the same thing. I knew the answer, I just couldn’t say it. I waited until the last minute, and I don’t think it worked out so well this time. Just know though, without saying that I regret not saying anything sooner, I wish more than anything that I had. Indecision lies in another court now, and where one might have been unsure about my answer before, please know that I am 100% behind it… and if I have to wait to say it again, I’ll be there.

How does that phrase go about the first thing you think about in the morning?

deleted…sorry!