Word Vomit

So I was going to get up at 6:30 this morning, but that didn't quite work out. I used to always be able to get up early and do my work. I guess it doesn't mean anything to me anymore so I don't have the incentive. I'm staying in H-burg this weekend and it seems like everyone is leaving, so that might be a good thing. I can either shut myself in my room and try to get a lot of work done that I haven't done (ideal situation), pout, or just blow off everything and f' around. TBD. So on another note, my stomach is still screwed up and now on top of it, I have cramps. So the pain I think is probably undistinguishable (is that a word?). Regardless, I started the Maalox remedy method, suggested by my mom. That stuff says you are supposed to take it every half hour and not to exceed 8 doses. Well I've only taken it once I don't know if it helped. I'll start the strict regiment today. Last night I taught my first lesson. It seemed to go really well. My group said they had fun and everyone that came in wanted to do their project, so that made me happy. Then when I got back to the apartment, my parents were just getting here and they brought me my car, YAY!!!! They washed her too, my car is so happy when she is clean. After that we went out to dinner to The Outback, mmmmm. Then we went grocery shopping. The parents left after that. While I was putting away groceries, Kevin and Claire came in. It was nice to see them and that was the first time I have seen Claire this whole freakin' semester. What's up with that? I didn't visit for too long though. I was tired and my tummy was pooheading and I wanted to talk on the phone so I went to my room. So that was my day. Now I'm studying for a test I have in about 2 1/2 hours in the literature of the opera, let's cross fingers for this one and tonight I have to teach another lesson, so I'll have to throw that together after my test, but that's not until 7, so I should be ok. I'm gonna go finish studying now. I'll probably write again later today.

So I wish I had a little more control over this blog set up. I really would like there to be a way to add some kind of writing section. My writing isn't the best, but I'd kind of like to put it up any how. I've been trying to write a lot more. I used to do it a lot, and kind of fell out of the habit. Here's one I wrote today. Again, it's not that great, but it's me. The inside hurts It's twisted and torn There has been no death And yet I still mourn Heart is broken Left on the floor Can't help but crying As you walk out the door Friends after love is so hard to do I still remain faithful, I still remain true And we will be friends until forever And my love for you will die never So yeah anyways, more to come later I guess.

And for that matter who the hell am I? I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm kind of just wandering around without any real purpose. I'm in school and I don't want to be. I'm definitely kinda blowing it off and I feel bad about it, but at the same time GREAT! I also am feeling really confused about a lot of other things. I'm really missing friends a lot. I have a lot of great friends here at school, but I miss a lot of other people too. I miss Suzanne. She's in Belgium but has assured me she will be home at 3pm on May 6th. I miss Susan a lot. Susan's my cousin and one of my best friends who I don't get to talk to as much. She's at Radford and I'm sure pretty busy. I miss Mallory tons. My very best friend since kindergarten. We've been through so freakin' much. She's my sister and that's all there is to it. No matter what I can call on her and she'll be there to listen or laugh or whatever. I love you Mal! Thanks so much for the early AM comfort saturday night/ sunday morning. I miss the whole "group". I miss all the hugs and laughter, all the support. You guys are like my second family. I miss Nick, Ryan, and Evan. You guys are so thoughtful and funny, and I'm lagging in my sports trivia when you guys aren't near. I miss the WVU boys. You guys were my brothers all through high school. You're still my brothers. You take care of me when I need ya and you'll beat me up when things are goin' good. I miss Missy. I miss all of our trips and talking and hanging out and just being around each other. I miss so many people. I miss Jason. I miss how things used to be. I miss spending time with him. I miss looking into his eyes. I'm trying really hard, I swear, to not get upset, but this is way freakin' hard. He is my bestestestest friend and I'll do anything to make sure that he stays a part of my life. I love him so much. But yeah, I just miss a lot of things. I mean I guess I could stop bitching for a few minutes and look at some of the good stuff in my life, but the not so great is kinda overwhelming me right now. Anyways, I love all my friends, even if I didn't pick you out specifically I promise I'm thinking about you too. I'm just in a rut right now. Hopefully I'll trudge though it ok. Have a good night everyone.

It's weird not being on the phone before I go to bed. I don't think I like it. Have a good night everyone.

BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!! BRANDON JONES!!!

Ok, so umm, yeah. Yesterday was pretty crappy, but then wrapped up pretty descent. At least when I went to bed for the final time, my tummy wasn't throbbing like it had been all day. I talked on the phone for a couple hours and talked about a lot of things, things that will be possible later and things we'll have to work on for any kind of relationship (friendship) to work out and a bunch of other dumb and goofy things.I'm glad we can still laugh. Before that I went out to BDUBS with some of the "group", even though some important people were missing and we can all take blame for that, I know I'll share in it. You don't see much of that interaction on a day to day basis anymore. Can't wait to see what summer will bring. And Kevin Frey, if you read this at all, come on a get off your keester (yeah, I said keester), leave work and have everyone over to your house!!! We all miss FREY MANOR and all the lovely people who inhabit there!!!! :) But anyways, I'm gonna go back to sleep for a few before I have to go back to school. And Leslie and Susan, my loyal BLOG readers, this is a shout out to you!!!! :-P

It's Easter morning, not a happy one in the least. I woke up this morning crying and I haven't really stopped. My mom and dad gave me an Easter gift. They got me a card that said to be happy, with my mom adding, "or at least try to be," that resulted in me crying more. It's really hard to think about being happy right now. They also got me some candy and "Finding Neverland," a movie I saw with Jason and loved. I guess I'll have to watch it and cry alone. Crying alone, almost is starting to sound like a theme in my life. We went to get some breakfast at Ender's Fire Hall in Berryville at their Easter Pancake Day. I didn't eat anything, there's no way it would have stayed down, but it did smell pretty good. When we got there, my aunt and uncle and cousins were there. I sat down with them while my parents got food. My Aunt Donna could tell I was upset. She asked what was wrong and I started crying again and I told her. Then a little bit later my cousin Stephanie had me come down and talk to her, again upset. It was nice to be around people that will say comforting things. I mean they all say that he's not worth crying over and I guess that's ok to hear, but none of my family knows him, so they don't see what I saw. I really want to just kind of curl up and die, the only problem is I don't really want to die, I just want to be gone for like a week or so. I just want to have nothing to do what-so-ever, no work, no school, no family, no thinking, I just want to just lay, and not feel anything, no pain, no hurt, no happiness. Maybe instead of death I just want to be numb to it all. I don't want to let go, my heart won't let me let go, but I'm going to have to figure something out, cause this is really killing me on the inside. It's guess it's been building up for a while. I don't know how people can just turn it off. Like I said, I'm having the hardest time of my life. I have to go.

So it's a quarter to 4AM, and I feel like a train wreck ran into by a tractor trailor that was then scraped up and thrown off a cliff and was pecked at by vultures until there was nothing left. The one thing that meant anything to me right now is leaving. So I guess that there's nothing that I really want right now, except to stop hurting inside. Never have I ever been this upset over anyone in my life and it tears me apart to hear him say how he feels now. I wish it were easy. I wish I could say that I can stop thinking of him every second of everyday, and I can go out and find someone new to hang out with. I wish I could do those things, but I can't. What I wish most is that I would stop lying about those wishes, cause that's not what I want. I've wished the same wish everyday for the past two and a half months. I wished it again tonight before I even saw him. I'll hold onto it. I'll hold onto everything we had. I'll never put it in a forgotten past no matter how bad or good things get. All I wanted was for us to be happy together, but I guess since that didn't happen, then I hope he is happy apart. I love you, I do love you, more than I have ever loved anyone. I hope you find what you need. And just know that I'll always care about you, even if I feel like crap for months or longer, you can always count on me, and I'll always be here if you need me.

Ok, so stupid me got up too early today. I was thinking that my class was at 9, but it's at 9:30. I guess that proves that I don't go that often. So I've been feeling really sick for the past week and a half or so. My tummy hurts like crazy. It's like someone is twisting it up and then stabbing it with a knife. Nice description, eh? It calms down every once in a while, but that is most certainly short lived, because before I can turn around it's twisted back up again and I can hardly eat anything. I think I might be giving myself some sort of stomach ulcer, who knows. My mom says it's caused by stress, but then she prescribed Maalox. "THE NEW MAALOX, stress reliever?" So my weekend wasn't that great, very few highs, mostly downs. I just felt like crap and there seemed to be nothing I could do to fix it. I had an emotional chat with my dad Firday night. I talked to him about mostly school and how I wasn't happy. He told me I can take some time off next year if I choose to. I haven't decided for sure yet, but I thik that might be the path that I choose. I'm gonna have a lot of loose ends to tie up here though first. As far as school goes, I really wish I could nix this semester. It is so not going to be good, and I am so stressed from it. I hope I can turn it all around and finish up strong. Even though what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week straight and when I wake up have everything be fixed and the way it should be. In other life events, I don't know what the heck is going on. I'm scared of things that I don't even know exist. I know that I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are turning white and I just want things to work out. And by work out, I don't know what that's going to be, but I hope that it's something that makes us both happy. I gotta go to class now... it's 9:30!

So I guess this is the true test. It hasn't been 24 hours since the last time I talked to you, but it's still the longest I have gone without hearing the sound of your voice. I'm afraid to call, I don't want you not to answer. I can only imagine calling and you not having anything to say to me, I will sit there and try to explain again how I feel, it will get me nowhere. You will sit there and maybe listen. I don't know how you will feel. I will try to act like nothing has gone wrong, I will try to act like a friend. In the back of my mind I will think about how we have resolved nothing. I will think about how much I miss you. I will think about how sorry I am. I will try to figure out what happened. I will wish for the day when things will be ok. I will wish for the day when things will be ok.