Word Vomit

Ok, so loyal blog readers everywhere are screaming for an update....so here it goes. I think the last time I wrote was the 19th of May to say that I was going to Ocean City, so I will start there.

I went to Ocean City last weekend with my family and some of their friends. My parents left early Thursday morning, but Heather and Josh had to work and I had school so we left later that day. Everyone was on my case to have all my stuff ready to go before I got home and we were going to leave at the latest 7:00pm, however this was not the case. I had all my stuff ready to go and my sister was not ready. She kept calling me from work and having me get all this stuff together for her that should have already been done. Then Leslie decided that she too was going to ride with us, no big deal, but anyways Heather went to pick her up and then STILL had stuff to get together once she got to the house. Needless to say we didn't leave the house until a little after 8:00pm. So we leave the house and we are headed up Rt. 7 in between Round Hill and Purcellville and we hit a freakin' deer. Like I mean we seriously hit it straight on and it bounced off the front of the van. We get out and look at the damage, the only thing wrong was that the plastic grill piece had been knocked out and pushed back towards the engine, or so it seemed the only thing wrong. After closer inspection we see that the van was leaking radiator coolant, so we had to turn around, go back to Winchester, trade the van for Josh's truck and get started again. We didn't get to Ocean City until 1:30am. Friday was rainy all day so we went shopping at the outlet mall, I hate shopping, but it wasn't too bad that day. I got a couple new things, so that was nice. Then the whole group hung out at M.R. Ducks and then we went to this bar called Harborside on the other side of the bridge from Ocean City. Good Times!!! So Saturday, I didn't want to wake up early because I had what I don't like to refer to as a hangover. My parents left early to go over to the car show that was in the inlet at the end of the boardwalk. I decided to wait and go over with Heather and Josh and the rest of their crew. Wouldn't you know that the place was packed and the line to get in was a mile long. I really wanted to go to the show, but no one else wanted to wait, so I didn't go in. I didn't really drink too much on Saturday night. We started out once again at M.R. Ducks where I had me some CocaCola, then went to the Purple Moose, an annual bar stop. They had a live band and we danced a bit, again, GOOD TIMES!!! So then we left sunday morning after having breakfast at our favorite place Anthony's on 17th St. Sunday evening, after we got back, we went to my cousin Susan's house for her birthday. Then I went back to Harrisonburg. I had class last week, yada yada yada.

Ok, actually I am doing really well in school for this summer session. I really like my classes and I am doing all my work and even participating in class. I'm taking two classes and one online class. I was getting pretty nervous that I hadn't turned in anything yet for my online psych class cause I had saw something that said June 6th, but hadn't really investigated what it said, and that's right around the corner, as you know. I went back into my syllabus and schedule to actually read what was going on and my class doesn't start until June 13th, so to wrap that up, I'm in good shape!!!

Let us move on to this past weekend. This is going to be real brief, I think. Thursday night I came home and met Evan Antonides and Ryan Miller at the bowling alley. We bowled 3 games and it was a competitive match between us all. Just to throw in, I won overall with the highest average, but who's really counting pins?!?!

Friday, I worked in the morning and I really wanted to go out to Brewbaker's or something Friday night. I had asked people all day and they all had to check their individual situations to see if that would work out. I was afraid I would have nothing to do, so I went with my parents to their friend's place on the Potomac River to drop some stuff off. It was my parents, my god parents and me going. The plan was to drop off the camper and then go out to dinner and come home. No, no, drinking began and we ended up staying there most of the evening. I didn't have very good service on my phone, but I did manage to get calls from everyone who wasn't sure about going to Brewbaker's and then wanted to go for sure. I didn't get to go though, cause I didn't get home until around 12am from the river. Oh well, I still had some fun.

Saturday, I worked in the morning, then came home and had nothing to do. I called nearly everyone, I think, ok, maybe not everyone, and couldn't find anything to do. Jenn called me back after she got off work though and said Stu, one of the bosses at Rock Harbor, was going to have people over for a cookout. We went over there and had a couple of beers and some good food, then Jenn and I met up with Jenn's friend Emily and went to Brewbaker's. When we got to Brewbaker's, my friends John, Jeremiah, and Shane were outside with a couple of their friends. So us girls went inside got ourselves a beer and went back outside and joined the boys. They wanted to go dancing or something (I think it's usually the girls who want to do this) so they convinced us to pay a cover charge and go to Sweet Caroline's. They had a live band there. We hung out there for a while, it was pretty fun. The highlight by far was John getting kidnapped onto the dance floor by an old woman and then molested, FANTASTIC!!!! After Sweet's we went back to Mike Bettis's apt and played a couple games of beer pong and then went home, a pretty eventful night after I thought I was going to sit at home and do nothing.

Sunday, I had to work in the morning and then when I got home I had to get cleaned up and ready to go back to the river for my parent's friends Gene and Michelle's party. I got there around 4:30. We had really good cookout type food, drank some, danced to the live band music, and then around 11:30 I was pretty tired of that scene. I had quit drinking a lot earlier so I could leave, I hadn't really planned on staying the night anyways. I thought about it, I thought that I prolly drank a lot over the course of the evening, well not a lot, but more than I actually did, only consumed like 3 drinks, so that was cool, no worries. So I left there around 11:30, then I received a phone call, followed by an invitation to the Shenandoah River, I accepted. So I went from the Potomac over to the Shenandoah, and stayed the night there. I helped Jason get some stuff in order at their place, then we watched a movie, SLC Punk. I think that's what it was called. It was actually pretty interesting. We started the movie around 2am I think, so I was really tired and as usual tried falling asleep during the movie, I tried to stay awake, but when I noticed that Jason was going to sleep too, I figured it was ok to go ahead to bed. So I missed the end of the movie and I will have to watch the whole thing another day.

Monday, I got up early and left the river and went home and tried to go back to sleep. I watched a little tv, then when I decided I was ready to revisit sleep, the family came home from the river and they were loud, so no sleep took place. Around 2pm, I left my house and  went to Frey Manor for a Memorial Day/ Mr. Frey's birthday picnic. It was really nice to visit over there. I can't remember really the last time I was there before that. It had been too long that's for sure. I'm glad I got to visit with Catherine, Joe, Kevin, Christine, and Mr. and Mrs. Frey. They are a good family. It was also nice to see the other people there too, like the Browns, Emily, Jeff, and others. After the Frey's house I stopped by Jason's for a quick visit. I learned a lot about psychology while Jason was on the phone. I was reading his psych book, ok actually I was looking at pictures and reading captions, that's about all I can handle. After his phone call, we hung out a little, mostly just kind of talked, then I went home to bed.

Tuesday, that's today. I got up this morning, got my stuff packed up, played with Bandit and Little Cat while looking for Tigger, found my little Tigger who is dying, I think, gave him some love and food and hugged him for a bit, cause he is in pretty bad shape. Then I stopped by my Dad's work and came back to H-burg. I had only one class today because my first class was cancelled due to the fact that we are going to DC on friday. I have to write a paper sometime today.

And now you are up to date!!! I don't know about you, but am exhausted after that. Congratulations if you made it all the way through, I almost didn't. Ok, I am going now, I'll have to update more often so I don't have to do one of these again.
Have a great day everyone!!!

Attempts to contact me this weekend should be directed to my cell phone. I am shutting down my computer and I don't know if I will be connected at my house in Winchester or not. Again, CALL MY CELL PHONE!!!!

So I went to Sterling Tuesday night for Ann's 21st B-day!!! We had a lot of fun. We started out at Red Robin, where Ann used to work, then went to TGIF's, then we went to this pool hall called Eight Ball. We drank at each stop. At TGIF's we got Ann a blow job shot. She was worried about taking it cause she couldn't use her hands and the bartender dude put a mountain of whip cream on top. Ann struggled to get it all down, so I encouraged her by yelling, "Just swallow it!!!" Not the right thing to yell for a blow job shot, all the bartenders yelled, "That's what he said!" It was pretty funny. At Eight Ball they had karaoke. GOOD TIMES!!! Our group of people got up and sang several songs, including but not limited to Baby Got Back, and When I Think About You I Touch Myself. Other songs were sang, we really had a great time. I played some pool with Omar, Marty, and John. Omar and I won, I can be such a hustler sometimes. The whole night was a lot of fun, I hope Ann had as much fun as I did.

I've worked a little bit this week too. I worked at the gym Tuesday and then I have also been working for my uncle, helping him to paint the outside of this house in Berryville. It's hard work, but pretty enjoyable because we all know that I love working outside. So on that note, I must exclaim, "I GET TO WORK AT THE GOLF COURSE THE NEXT THREE DAYS!!!!" YES!!!! I am so freaking excited. I haven't worked out there since like August or September. Oh how I miss it. I get to be outside and talk to people and make money, what more could you ask for in a job, oh yeah, I get to drive a golf cart... SWEET!!!! Don't be jealous!

I've also been working out this week. I love Gold's Gym. Everyone should join, but don't go when I want to go or I will get mad that you are making it crowded!!! :P I gotta take advantage of my gym while I am home, cause I'll have to use UREC again when I go back to school, and that is not likely to happen. However, I am in the process of recruiting a friend/personal trainer into making me go and whipping my butt into shape. Should be good times if I make the time to go!

I don't know what else is going on really. It's Thursday and I was thinking about going to BDubs tonight, but I don't know if anyone is going. So if no one gets in touch with me, then I don't really know what I will be doing. I will at least be making an appearance at Nick Lamanna's for some poker tonight, might end up staying for a while, who knows. I gotta be up early for work in the morning.

Tomorrow is LFCC's graduation. My friend Alicia is graduating from the nursing school. God, I love that girl. I'm not sure who else is graduating, I'm sure I'll know at least someone else and I will cheer for everyone.

Other weekend plans are kind of up in the air, so if anyone would like to hang out or call or something, feel free to, I'm here til Sunday, then I have to go back to school, but I'll be back on Thursday and that is how it will go until June: Mon-Thurs = School - Thurs-Sunday = Home.

Ok, really, that's all I got for now. I'll update again as soon as I get a chance.

Alright, so this sucks. I wrote a new entry this morning and when I went to post blog.com decided not to work so all that was said there was lost. For now, however, I will try to recreate what was said to the best of my ability.

My cousin Susan graduated this weekend from Radford, so the family packed up the stuff and went down for the festivities. A few sacrifices were made on my nehalf to be there, but it was worth it because I am very proud of my Susan and I'm glad that I could have been there for her. We had a lot of fun too. Hopefully sooner rather than later I'll follow in her footsteps and have a degree too.

Also a congratulations to everyone else who graduated this weekend (cough, cough ~ JMU!!!!) I wish I could have been there!!!

So looks like I have to take summer classes this May. I hadn't planned on taking any, but now it looks like I am going to try to be in three. I have two for sure and I am waiting to hear back on the last one. It sucks though cause I have been counting down the days since January til I got to come home and spend time with "people", but now I have a whole other month to wait. I also really needed to be working starting this month and that will have to be put on semi-hold too. I'm won't be staying at JMU the whole week though. My plan is to come home every Thursday night so that I can work the whole weekend.

In other events I don't know what the heck I am doing still. I guess I have been doing some pretty dumb stuff lately, and it's all starting to manifest and backfire in my face. It's not as bad as it seems by far, but it's totally not helping my case any. I still feel like I am always auditioning for something and that I have to watch everything I do and everything I say, so that my world doesn't come crashing down around me. It's exhausting at times, but other times exhilerating. I really have learned a lot about life and myself this year so far. I've learned about a lot of things I want out of life and about the type of person that I want to be. For the most part I think that my goals are being accomplished. I know that I have a lot more self-respect. I won't go into detail about what I mean there, but I'm really just trying to be a better person by being more responsible with my personal decisions.

There's a lot of things that I want right now from life, but at the moment they just aren't in the cards. Timing always seems to be a huge factor in my life, but if I want something bad enough then I'm willing to take the time to get it. I believe strongly in my AIM profile quote, "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about" So as long as I'm still thinking of a particular someone everyday, don't look for me to get over it. I just wish though that he could see and trust how much he means to me. But like I've said, a day will come... one day all will be as it should and we'll all know that we have made some wrong decisions here and there and it's been a long road, but we will be where we need to be when we've reached the end of the road, and we'll be better people for it, and we'll be able to love fully and appreciate everything and hopefully be happy and it will be 100% worth it!

I know what I want to see at the end of my road, I just hope when I get there, it's not a mirage.

I guess that was a descent recreation of the blog formerly known as "this morning". There was some stuff I said before that I just can't get right now, but you get the jist of it. Hope all is well with everyone and that classes went better for you then they did for me! :P If anyone needs anything or wants to hang out, call the cell... I'm at home all week.

Last night ended on a familiar note that allowed to me to rest a bit easy. The past couple of nights I haven't been able to sleep very well. However, I did still get up early today, for no reason. I just have to keep my head up, I should hope that my heart wouldn't lie to me.

So I'm thinking about taking summer class in May. I have only a week to make up my mind and talk to my parents about it. I really want to go home and work and do some other stuff, but I really do need these classes and it's only four weeks, so I don't know what I'm gonna do. If anyone has any insight on that idea, gimme a holler. :P

I need to start packing up some stuff to take home for the summer too. I don't have to pack up everything yet, but I'd like to get a lot of it out of here. Well I at least need like all my clothes and I don't have enough suitcases or bags to get all of them. I'm not even sure why I have clothes other than T-shirts and jeans. That's pretty much all I wear. I am a fashion diva, I swear. Well I used to dress pretty cute, and maybe one day I'll grow up and dress nice again, but for now I'm pretty content. But summer is almost here and I do wear more real shirts during summer, cause it's freaking hot and you almost have to wear tank tops.

Let's not ask what that last paragraph was about, ok? I'm done for now, I gotta add like two paragraphs to this paper I wrote. BYE!

Welp, hey everyone!!! Just to let you know, I'm going to pass three classes this semester. So that's more than half, good, right? My parents are seriously going to have a shit fit when they see my grades. I didn't think that they sent those home anymore to parents, but they have for every semester that I have been here.

Last night was a pretty crappy night and so was today. The only thing I really have positive to say about it is that I got a lot of work done! Ann and I have had some fun hanging out too, but other than that real shitty.

I forgot to write about Monday morning in here. I went to the emergency room, ok, hold on, it wasn't for me. I had to take Nathan. He was having horrible stomach pains and he'd been vomiting all morning for several hours. We had to wait a pretty long period of time before any action was taken for him. He got a bag of fluids and I asked them how long it would take for the bag to finish and they said 45 minutes so I asked if I could get a morphine drip while I waited. the nurse seriously didn't even crack a smile so I hung my head in shame and whispered, "Just kidding." Nathan fell asleep while the fluids were dripping. He had the hospital bed and I had a stool to sit on. I was cursing him for sleeping because he had got me up before 8:00 to take him there and I was tired too damnit. But anyways for a more complete story on those events check out nathan's website.

I went to the library today with Ann. I got a whole paper written. I wrote a whole paper in one sitting. FREAKING AMAZING!!!!

I don't know what I am going to do tonight. Probably sit and do nothing, probably think about things I shouldn't think about anymore, and probably hope that someone calls that I can talk to. Being here is so hard, but so is being there. Why does life have to be so freaking complicated?!?!

Been up since about 7:30am, so that's not that long since it is 8:40am now, but there was no reason for me to get up this early, just couldn't sleep.

I've got a lot of stuff to think about and work out. I'm a victim a fickle emotions, not my own, but someone's who affects me in a big way. It's hard to get your head on straight when you love someone so much, and every little thing you do is because of that person, when you get up in the morning for that person, but you have no security that you should even be getting up at all.

So it's been said that the easy thing to do would be to get over it, is it that easy? It's been said that to get over it would be making myself a liar, would I be lying for not waiting or am I lying to myself because I am?

I've always believed that things happen for a reason and if things are meant to be then they will happen eventually and afterall, anything worth having is worth waiting for.

I can't lie about how I feel. I can't pretend to not care. If happiness is where you are, then by all means, let your heart run free, but if you are unsure, then don't make up excuses, please don't make excuses.

I think I might have just filled my rambling quota for today, but seriously, I really might be walking through life with my eyes closed, and that might be ok because I'm young, but this could be one of those things that is very detrimental to my future, long lasting effects. Maybe my future will be bright, maybe it will be grey, but I have always hoped for the better and always looked for rainbows when the rain falls as the sun is shining.

HOPE: it gets me through the days and let's me sleep at night
LOVE: it gets me through the days and let's me sleep at night
FEAR: let's me know that I'm alive, and emotions are real
JAAWHLTEETC: gets me through the days, let's me sleep at night, let's me know that I'm alive, that emotions are real. Let's me know that you can be sensitive and strong at the same time. Fills my days when here and when not. Consumes my thoughts. You are the rainbow!

If none of this makes sense, which to me it makes perfect sense, then leave a comment or send me a message on AIM. BYE!

Our love was a gamble
I went all in
And you folded
How did I still lose?

Apple Blossom was this weekend. I went home Thursday night because I didn't have class on Friday. For those of you who know Thursday night is Buffalo Wild Wings night, which I have gone to for a couple years now since we started going on Thursdays. It took me a long time to feel comfortable hanging out there with the friends that I currently have. For a long time I wouldn't go unless Anthony was there because he was the one I was closest with and spent the most time with. I hung out a lot more with people the summer after my freshmen year and got closer with everyone. Then I started dating Mike and hung out with everyone a great deal more. I was more confident with everyone and knew that I could hold my own and didn't need Anthony or Mike around for me to have fun with everyone. At some point Mike tried to say that BDubs was his thing, his night out with the guys and that I couldn't go cause he wouldn't be able to talk about certain stuff around me, but I didn't care cause these were my friends too, and I had been going and no one was going to tell me that I wasn't allowed. As people have gone off to school the tradition is held up by those who are still in Winchester. Jason mainly takes care of getting people out there. Everyone knows though when they come back in town that that is where to find us on a Thursday night. Jason and his friends and Kevin are the usual crowd now. I like Jason's friends a lot and I enjoy spending time with them, but things change with people, time goes on and feelings change and things get awkward. So now at a tradition that I have always been there for when I am home, I don't feel welcome once again. It's kind of hard to want to go somewhere and hang out when you know there is someone that hates you. So that was a long explanation...

Anyways, I made other plans for Thursday night because of the above factors, but I was still going to stop in and say hello, but Jason cancelled the early plans to go out so I went to hang out with Kevin for a little bit at Visuallink. Then BDubs plans were back on, but I didn't get invited the second time around. I went to my sister's friend Marcy's house for a cookout. I haven't spent time with my sister's friends in a long time, it was nice to see everyone and catch up a little bit. My parents made it out a little later too. So I was out there trying to have a good time, hoping that someone would call and be able to hang out later that night. He did call and I had a great time hanging out with him, I always do.

Friday was when real Apple Blossom stuff started for me. I had to get up early to get ready to go to this luncheon with my sister and my mom. It was at the Moose Lodge. They had live music which was nice, but that was probably the best part of it, cause the food was yuck and I was really bored. After the luncheon my mom and I had to run around picking up stuff for my sister and then taking her and her friends around where the needed to go. We got home at like 3:30pm, which was late because we wanted to be downtown by 4. I was ready to go, but my mom was poking around and taking forever to get stuff ready and I still had to go run a  couple more errands myself, my car was at Clarke Motors getting inspected and I had to trade cars with my dad on the way into town.

I got downtown and really felt like I had no friends. I couldn't get a hold of anyone I wanted to spend time with that I didn't think was already busy. My mom and I walked down on midway after the parade and I felt sick cause it just wasn't what I had expected for AB this year. I debated on seeing the fireworks, but it really just made me sick, nauseous, and depressed thinking about them. I kept thinking that someone I cared about might be looking up at the same sky, but not with his arm around me. I know, gay or stupid or something, but that's the way I am. Luckily Matt Bucher had called me and told me Steve was having people over, so I tried to get out of town as fast as I could down 522, you can here those stupid fireworks pretty far out there as it turns out, which sucked!!!

I got out to Steve's and got to see Steve, of course, Matt Bucher, Rich, Matt Henry, Kevin Smith, John Bean, you know, the boys and then a few girls were there. I was really out there for only an hour till I got a phone call. A phone call that seemed like someone else hadn't had a great day either, so we joined forces and tried to make the day finish a little better. Somehow or other my "annoying" personality got in the way and the night didn't end as sweetly as the night before.

Saturday came rolling around. I was downtown by 11am. Parked my car and met up with my mom at the truck. We wiped down the chairs that had been out all night in the rain and got the truck all set up. Then my sister and Leslie and Lori met up with us. Mom and I left them at the truck while we walked up the street to a few places. In route I got shat on by a bird, so I knew that day was gonna be great, Mom and my parent's friend Bill tried to convince me that it was good luck, I say good luck that it didn't get in my hair. But anyways, I was still kinda feeling crappy, hoping I didn't run into people I didn't want to see. We went to a couple of Mom's friends' houses and stopped in said hello and then continued making rounds. I just remembered something, I think this is the first year we didn't go through and look at floats before the parade, oh well. So everyone was at the truck later, my family, my sister's friends, my parent's friends, then Steph and Ann were a few trucks down. Nathan and Clint found their way to the truck and Alicia Wine and Missy Posey and Randi Burch. Jenn and Emily stopped by and said hi for a bit too. I felt a little better about Saturday, but also I was drinking a little bit, tends to numb the pain.

My mom didn't want me driving cause I was drinking, reasonable, so I was with Liesel for the rest of the night. We stopped at some random party with Liesel's friend Mike but we didn't stay long, Liesel and I both decided that was the first party we had been to where we didn't know anyone. We left there and went out to Jake Gould's field party.

Jake Gould's was exactly what I expected it to be, which was why I didn't really want to go out there in the first place. I did see a few people that I was excited to see. Travis Martin was out there in the dark and found me and then I saw some other people that I just hadn't seen in a long time. Kara came out and met us there so that was fun too. Liesel, Kara, and I ganged up on Mike Clark and picked on him while he was drunk, that was actually hilarious. Steve (Sierra) was out there too, he was by himself for the most part because his boys were all at the country music dance. Around 12am or so I was really freaking tired and didn't want to be around the party anymore so I went to go out to sleep in the car. I got a phone call, but as much as I wanted to talk, my phone didn't have that much battery and I was roaming. So I just tried to sleep again. Liesel came down a little later and gave me a pillow and blanket. Another hour went by and I got another phone call, my phone even closer to dying and still roaming, I tried to talk, but my phone kept breaking up. Liesel came back and was ready to leave a few minutes after that. I got home at about 2:30am and returned the call and talked until 5am. My night had ended yet again on a better note. So I thought everything was good. I went to bed happy.

Later at like 8:30am, my mom tried to wake me up to go get breakfast with her and my dad and go get my car, I said, "NO THANKS!!!" I got a up sometime later and fixed some lunch, my parents came home and then my dad took me to get my car. Before I left I wanted to make sure that I got to see someone and say goodbye. We hung out for a little while and everything was fine, then things turned sour, and I thought it was a cruel joke, until later I was told otherwise. But I left and got back to school around 6 or so.

I put in a phone call later in the evening to figure out what was going on. I hope that we worked it out. The only thing I have to work with is my word, which has been, in less serious situations, not as reliable as it should have been. But when it comes to things I like this, I don't lie. And if I planned on going back on my word, or if I ever go back on my word in this situation, he'll be the first to know. But for as far as I can tell, it won't happen.

There are things that I have done in the past that I'm not proud of, actions that I wish I could take back, but I can't take back any of it, BUT if I have classified them as mistakes then I least I can learn from them and I like to think that I have. I have a lot more respect for myself and I don't want the lifestyle I used to have. I want something meaningful, I had a taste of what that could be and I don't know if I'll have it again, but I am willing to wait to find out.

That's all for now, there could be another update later on more of an analysis of how my life is going and what the hell I am doing, so BYE!