Word Vomit

On Blog Sabaticle for I don't know how long...

Last week I worked at a couple of different places. I got some of my community service done at the free medical clinic. I got to do some filing, isn't that fun? Now I'm sitting here in the office waiting to go to the hospital so my sister and I can put together a display case for the clinic. I'm looking forward to that a little bit.

I also worked at the golf course last week. We had several tournaments and I didn't make that much money in tips while I was there, but we ended up getting tipped out when the tournaments were over, so I made a pretty fair amount of money. However, when I have the money I seem to be more generous and I want to spend my money on everyone. That's ok though cause it usually comes around full circle.

Last Thursday my mom and I worked for a couple of car dealerships in Winchester. We drove cars to the Fredericksburg auto-auction. We had to be there at 7am and I had no clue what kinds of cars we would be driving, all I knew was that I was getting paid $50 to drive a car somewhere. I ended up driving a Ford Focus down there and my mom had this Saturn station wagon. Both cars sold at the auction, so we didn't know if we were going to ride back with someone or drive other cars back. One of the guys we drove with talked to Hess's Auto Sales and he needed drivers to take cars back, so I got to drive a Mercedes SLK 280 back and my mom drove a Chevy Trailblazer. We were pimpin' hardcore and we got paid an extra $25, SWEET!!!

I went out with Jenn and Emily on Friday night. We went downtown and hung out, saw a bunch of people. Then Jenn and I cut a rug at Coalie Harry's. We were like the only ones dancing, but it was fun.

Saturday night I went to a polo match with my sister and her boyfriend. It was different and interesting. I got a little bit bored and took a nap in the Hummer that we took there. When I woke up though I had more life back in me and was probably more pleasant to be around after that.

So anyways, that's about it last week. Overall feeling of well-being: Mediocre. It's not what you do, but who you do things with that matters. Good times were had, but someone was missing.

Short entry right now. I just have to say that this has been a pretty good week, with the exception of one thing. I miss my best friend more than anything in the whole world and I wish that I could have told him all the things that happened this week. I hope things get better soon.

Good night everyone.

I think I might hate this more than anything. I hate feeling like I am at odds with people, especially people that mean so much to me. I wish that things could be simple for a little bit, that things didn't have to be awkward or feel wierd or that we would have to act like we don't get along.

We only make excuses, pitiful excuses. One day we will realize how silly we have been, and we will laugh and everything will have worked out the way it is supposed to. Maybe not the way either of us would like for right now, but it will work out in a good way. We will be happy with the outcome, and no one will be hurt.

If this all meant nothing, I wouldn't still be around. I wouldn't fight for it. Please don't think this is weird. I think that you understand what it is like. I think you have been here before. I think that I know what I want, or at least have a pretty good idea, and if I have to wait longer than that's fine, if it's for you then I am more than happy to wait, if it's for someone else then I guess I can wait too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, is that I am not trying to rush into anything, but my eyes have really been opened. You have showed me feelings that I didn't really know that I had. I have been beyond happy and felt the depths of my soul in pain. I have showed emotions that I have kept bottled up because I thought I was weak for showing them. I am an open book now, you can read my pages and know if I am happy or sad, or what it is that I am feeling. I can talk openly about things that I would not have shared before.

Even if this doesn't work out, just know that you will have had a lasting impact on my life, that you could never be forgotten, and you can never be replaced.

I'm going to bed now, good night everyone

It might make me feel the best I've ever felt when people say ignorant things to me. I wish that someone could tell me how I'm able to brush it off most times and go on like things are peachy.

Someone once told me that they think I like being abused, mentally, physically, whatever. I don't think that that's a valid statement, but given my history, it might just be true. The funny thing is, this last time, I had no clue it was going to turn out this way. The funny thing is, this last time started because something similar was going on with someone else.

If actions speak louder than words, then why don't people act like they think something worthy of you, rather it be in a friendly way or other. You can toss me aside, like you've done so many times before, and I'll still be here, for some reason, I'll still be here.

Have you ever known people that change everyday, sometimes more than once in a day? It's so hard to keep up with and very confusing. You never know what to believe because they are always either saying one thing and then contradicting it or saying one thing and doing another.

I know it's hard to figure the self out, but there has got to be a little more consistency than that. I don't really know what I want out of life, but at least I try hard to stand by my choices.

And on other matters: Friendship. How hard should one have to try to maintain a friendship. Shouldn't a friendship fall naturally into place? Well, I mean, I know with any relationship that it takes work, but a friendship should not take as much. Should you always be trying to prove your worth, always be trying to prove your a good friend? I cherish every one of my friendships, the good and the bad, the close and the distant. I guess I just have a problem with having a best friend who claims to not care, and who is always criticizing me that I'm not a good friend. To tell you the truth, I don't know really anyone else like me, who could stand for as much as I do, and if that's a bad friend, then I might as well shoot your mom.

Has anyone noticed that I usually start my blogs with the word "so"? I find it really weird and you know what else, it's not even grammatically correct, but I don't care too much.

So (haha), summer classes are wrapping up this week. I am doing really well in both of them, so that is great and going to help me out tremendously with my GPA recovery.

I've been working at the golf course every weekend in the mean time. I haven't saved too much money, but that will get better once I am at home and able to work more. I need to check in with Gold's Gym and see if they can get me some regular hours, other than just substitutions. I don't make as much money there, but the people are pretty cool, so I don't mind working there.

Last weekend I got to hang out with the Brown family, Kevin, and Clint, all whom I haven't really got to hang out with in a long time. It was really nice and familiar. I went to Denny's this weekend too, I hadn't been there in a while either. Familiar people and places let me know that summer is going to be just fine.

I went to Claire's last night and hung out for a while. We watched some of the Incredibles and played a couple games of beer pong. Why do I always let Nathan talk me into playing? It's going to be a little weird being home and not being here as much as I am. I've been staying around here a lot it seems. I'll miss Nathan and Steve when I am home, but I know I'll be able to come here to visit.

I, myself, have been doing a lot better. I'm almost back to my old self, I'm happy a lot more and I haven't been feeling sick as much. I have been trying to distance myself a little from things, mentally, so I don't get hurt as much. I still have moments though, where I feel like crap and I wish things were different, but whatever happens will work out for the best, I'm sure. I have a lot of faith in people and the decisions they make, I hope I just don't get caught being naive about it.

I'm trying to plan a trip to King's Dominion here in the next couple of weeks. I've heard back from a couple people who are interested, most concerns are people having enough money and having to work. If anyone would like to go, let me know, the more the merrier!!!

Ok, I'm out for now, I got some stuff to do and things to get together. Call the cell if you need me for anything.

PS: Also hoping for the best for someone's family, hope everything turns out ok.