Word Vomit

Like I said in the last entry, I've been feeling highs and lows and I don't like to delete blog entries, but I guess I spoke too soon.

No I really did have an amazing weekend, but it's prolly the last one I'll have for a while with a particular person. As it's been pointed out time and again I need to get over this. I don't know how to get over it though without completely losing the person. How do you put aside someone you would do anything for? How do you put aside someone you love more than yourself? If someone could answer that, then I might just have to call them a flippin' genius.

Seriously though, I don't know why everything has to be probed at until every issue is exhausted. Things are the way they are, everything changes in time, so why can't I just let this run its course instead of having to force myself to feel things and the way that I don't.

I really don't know what to do, at some point I'm going to have to make a decision about which way I'm going to bite the bullet, but honestly I would probably say that fear is the biggest thing holding me back from making the right decision. I really don't know much else to say right now.

So I leave you with this: an amazing songwriter, who I learned about from person in question, has said in one of his lyrics, "If you love something, give it away."

I've been thinking a lot lately and not really recording my thoughts so much. I'm not so sure this is a good thing, but also I am at such highs and lows and I'm not sure if I want what I write right now to stay up, so in keeping myself from deleting blog entries, I haven't been writing them, but I will say that I had a really great weekend. I didn't get much done, but it doesn't really matter when everything feels like it's in its place and I feel like I'm home. Don't you hate when you get that perfect feeling and you don't really know how to make it last?

I love the way that you brush me aside and I love the way you pretend not to care. I love all the things that you do, I love the way that you think I want to be just like you. The thing is as influential as you are, you're tearing me down and ripping me apart, some for the better and some for the worst and I really don't know how to handle any of this. Fear keeps me from speaking to your face and fear keeps me from walking away because you are so much more than you will ever let yourself believe and I feel lucky to be one of those people that know how wonderful you are, but I am also cursed with that blessing because it just makes it that much harder to say goodbye. Maybe one day you'll have room in your life for an extra friend who cares the world about you, but also makes mistakes once in a while. So when you decide to come around, I'll be waiting at the other end of the telephone line. This is not the end, but merely a bump in the road.