Word Vomit

The road is long
And you are moving along just fine
But I have stopped to admire the flower
That just won’t bloom

Someone told me this was their favorite photo at one time. Then, I was too busy worrying about how dumb I thought I looked, now I look at it and can only think of how happy he looked. I do wish things could go back to how they used to be. I do wish that we could all be happy. I do wish that I didn’t feel like something/someone was missing. I wish you the best, I wish all of you the best!

It’s never too late to tell someone you love them…

Well I guess I am overdue for an update. So, not much has really been going on. Just been doing a lot of thinking about things instead of writing them down. It’s amazing how much music can relate to your life. I didn’t always listen to the words in songs, I could sing the words, but I never really stopped to pay attention to what they were actually saying until recently in the scheme of life.

It’s kind of dumb of me, because what is music anyways, but another form of expression, so it’s only logical that they have meaning. Anyways, the point is, instead of writing stuff lately I have relied on music a lot to help me identify how I feel.

This past weekend was Halloween weekend and Homecoming weekend here at JMU. It had it’s ups and downs. It wasn’t as fun as I had anticipated, but you know, you make the best with what you got. Clint, Eddie, and Stever and his friend came down for Saturday. We had tailgated early in the day, didn’t go to the football game though, didn’t get tickets, we lost anyways. Then later we went to a couple of parties, which were for the most part bust.

Stephanie and I went to Chris’s house for a party after all that and that turned my stressful night dealing with (fill in the blank) around and I was able to salvage the night.

Sunday, I didn’t get much of anything accomplished that I wanted to for the day, but I did make lasagne for everyone, it was a hit. Later, Steph, Ann, Lori and myself had a dance party in my room. That was a blast and we weren’t even drunk!!!

Went to classes on Monday then I went home Monday night. Ran into someone that I wasn’t planning on seeing, but hoping that I would run into, funny how things work the way you hope sometimes. Well, not completely the way I wanted to work, but we hadn’t talked in a while, so it was good to at least see them.

My parents didn’t know I was coming home, so I went to my house to surprise them. Mom was at my cousin’s house handing out candy to tricker treaters, so I went up there. Lots of cute little kids, especially my little cousins. Ryan, 2, was a train conductor and Madelynn, almost 3, was a 50’s girl in a poodle skirt, ADORABLE!!!

So this week is half done, I have some plans for the weekend here and then it’s home on Sunday to work and hopefully see some people.

I’ll try to keep up with this better, MySpace seems to get the bulk of my time, I really need to get a life outside my apt. Anyways, take care everyone and thanks for reading, if you did!

thanosT81: I’d like to take the time to publicly declare my love for David Anthony Stets. I know some of you won’t understand, but our love is pure and I feel whole in his arms. Ours is a star-crossed love that will not die. Please IM me with warm wishings on our elopement.

Don’t read too much into the Blog entry below, just kind of rambling for my own benefit and questioning things that I have for a long time.

What is liking something, what is love, and what is obsession? When do the lines become blurred? When can you just stand up and say how you feel without having to have justification for every subject or predicate in the sentences that you use?

Forgive me when I say that I liked what I heard, but did not become obessed, forgive me when I quote lyrics from a song that I can not sing to you, and forgive me for loving you longer than either of us had planned.

“But if I could act like this was my real life
And not some cage where I’ve been placed
Well then I could tell you
The truth like I used to
And not be afraid of sounding fake
Now all everyones listening for are the mistakes”

Like I said in the last entry, I’ve been feeling highs and lows and I don’t like to delete blog entries, but I guess I spoke too soon.

No I really did have an amazing weekend, but it’s prolly the last one I’ll have for a while with a particular person. As it’s been pointed out time and again I need to get over this. I don’t know how to get over it though without completely losing the person. How do you put aside someone you would do anything for? How do you put aside someone you love more than yourself? If someone could answer that, then I might just have to call them a flippin’ genius.

Seriously though, I don’t know why everything has to be probed at until every issue is exhausted. Things are the way they are, everything changes in time, so why can’t I just let this run its course instead of having to force myself to feel things and the way that I don’t.

I really don’t know what to do, at some point I’m going to have to make a decision about which way I’m going to bite the bullet, but honestly I would probably say that fear is the biggest thing holding me back from making the right decision. I really don’t know much else to say right now.

So I leave you with this: an amazing songwriter, who I learned about from person in question, has said in one of his lyrics, “If you love something, give it away.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and not really recording my thoughts so much. I’m not so sure this is a good thing, but also I am at such highs and lows and I’m not sure if I want what I write right now to stay up, so in keeping myself from deleting blog entries, I haven’t been writing them, but I will say that I had a really great weekend. I didn’t get much done, but it doesn’t really matter when everything feels like it’s in its place and I feel like I’m home. Don’t you hate when you get that perfect feeling and you don’t really know how to make it last?

I love the way that you brush me aside and I love the way you pretend not to care. I love all the things that you do, I love the way that you think I want to be just like you. The thing is as influential as you are, you’re tearing me down and ripping me apart, some for the better and some for the worst and I really don’t know how to handle any of this. Fear keeps me from speaking to your face and fear keeps me from walking away because you are so much more than you will ever let yourself believe and I feel lucky to be one of those people that know how wonderful you are, but I am also cursed with that blessing because it just makes it that much harder to say goodbye. Maybe one day you’ll have room in your life for an extra friend who cares the world about you, but also makes mistakes once in a while. So when you decide to come around, I’ll be waiting at the other end of the telephone line. This is not the end, but merely a bump in the road.